I'm cheating again. I'm typing up an abridged version of a letter I wrote before i put it in the post box. It's an interesting one though cos it's to a friend that i can't help being pretty much completely honest with (Can one be completely honest- even with oneself, since the human psyche has a tendency to squirrel things away into your subconscious in order to protect you?)
Hey M,
I really appreciate your letter and I don't mind that it's in various parts cos that way I get a broader view of what you've been up to and your changeable moods!
I know how you feel when you say you start thinking that you might have too little in common for a relationship to work. Whenever I meet a boyfriend's circle of friends, it usually gives me all sorts of weird feelings, because it's an already established clique and in order to become part of it you feel like you're gonna be forced to change or to pretend. For example, meeting all B's up-their-own-arse friends made me feel full of doubts, because for it to work in the long run, I would have been forced to integrate myself with them, and I wasn't sure I was prepared to do that.
I think that the important thing is to be strong in who you are. You don't have to change or act differently for anyone.
When I was friends with Becky, it always involved hanging out with all those chav-kids from her neighbourhood. I was never gonna fit in with them at all, but after a bit of time they seemed to decide that I was alright, and accept me as a bit of an oddity attached to the group. (but I really didn't care what they thought at all, since I only wanted to be friends with Becky, who despite being all heavily mixed up with them and their drug-taking, drunk-and-disorderly antics, to me was an entirely separate and special individual)
I know what you mean when you say you prefer the company of fellow "freaks and weirdos", although it's hard to define exactly what makes someone a freak. I suppose someone who doesn't easily fit in with the group- be the group a bunch of chavs or a bunch of snobby Newcastle-Uni-private-school girls.
I guess i can associate with such "misfits" better because i feel like one myself, and I've always found people who stand out from the group have more imagination.
There's a bunch of language assistants in the next town, about thirty minutes by train from here. Right at the beginning- perhaps in October? I went on a really horrible night out with them, and decided that i'd just really rather not make the effort with them. (shrieky, cliquey posh girls who never bother to text you back) In the group I automatically searched for other "outsiders"- and thought that in the frizzy-haired Christian girl called Grace I'd found one, but the friendship I tried to start with her never really took off. Perhaps she saw that I wasn't to be converted? (only joking, she always kept her religion to herself)
Sorry I didn't help you with your film-project. I'll definitely be up for doing filming-projects and stuff like that in the summer when we have more time. Maybe we could do a documentary about B's (ex boyfriend's) "rise to fame?" which in fact reveals him and his friends to be completely self-absorbed and vacuous?
He says he's met some girl that he may be "falling in love with" that he found on New Year's Eve, but who lives in Manchester. She's 29 and is doing a doctorate in philosophy, and he described this as a "really exciting meeting of minds". Not so much a meeting of bodies though, since she already has a boyfriend.
I pointed out that he used to get annoyed with my vaguely philosophical chit-chat (B: I love you ME: "but what IS love?") and complain that I over-analysed everything. He replied "Yes but you used to go round in circles. I don't mind philosophy chit-chat when it actually makes sense"
I can't believe he's actually found someone full stop, never mind that she's some intelligent bitch who can therefore be "better than me" in some way (aside: I think i have an inferiority complex) I never exactly thought he was the sharpest knife in the draw, so I'm surprised their minds can even meet on the same level.
Aparantly, she believes in faeries though, so she can't be that clever. She's writing her doctorate on charisma or something, and has told B some "formula for being a successful performer" and the secret behind creating an impression on someone. (Sounds a bit Derren Brown to me. I would have thought he would have wanted to leave all that witchcraft shit behind)
Perhaps it's her advice, or perhaps it's his coping-mechanism after the "break-up" but now he's going around putting on airs of being self important and arrogant. He says performers are rarely themselves on stage and he must develop this mask in order to trick people into believing it's the truth.
He claimed not to be doing the "act" to me, but he still seemed stupidly arrogant. He told me he's been texting Brian Molko almost every day. He added that their new material is crap compared to their old stuff and that he was "going to remind Brian how to write a good trashy pop song, since he seems to have forgotten"
I don't know why I took offence at this, but it just riled me up the wrong way- what arrogance! (Placebo's last album was actually pretty good- give "Bright Lights" and "Ashtray Heart" a YouTube.
He's even given up being friends with R. because on his quest for success he doesn't have time for these "parasites" describing her as selfish and malovelant and saying he was fed up with her attention seeking phony suicide attempts (the last one comically saw her threatening to throw herself into the canal in Manchster) I guess he can't have anyone else stealing the limelight, or trying to read poems while he's playing his out of tune guitar.
It's two o clock and got to get up at seven am. AAAAAHHH! Got nowt prepared for class either. The cat is asleep on my bed and the town is covered in that freezing fog. It's so unbelievably silent here- so far from home.....
Ps. I saw a dead cat today at the side of the road, a big grey stripey one. It had a stream of blood running from it's head.
Lol, sorry to end on such a downer. Well, the cat in my room is alive and furry, if that balances things out.
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