I'm really not doing very well at updating this diary- for that is what it seems to have developed into. I get a couple of pageviews per day. I wonder who these people could be? Perhaps it's people who stumble upon it by mistake after typing in a particular combination of words. It's probably mostly women called susie who like cats. These views are probably solely down to a friend who i gave the blog address to. Maybe I should give him a psydeuym. (I can't spell that word). Let's call him.... J.....Ok I give up, we'll just call him J.
We met up a few times in the holiday, J and I which was really nice. It's good to see other people who are also sort of in the same situation as me- drifting off in term time, but being pulled back to Sheffield every holiday like a meteor being kept in orbit ( in orbit around Sheffield)
We went to a nice little tearoom, and I drank coffee. We chatted about a film which I have STILL yet to see. And it makes two people who have recommended it to me and highly commended it. (that's a very french way of constructing a sentence).
It is called "Another Earth". I'll tell you what it's about when i've seen it, cos otherwise it's second hand information and probably some of the details will have been lost or forgotten in the re-telling. Maybe it wasn't called Another Earth after all? Maybe it was "two worlds" ? Who can say. So much gets degraded by memory. Who can say what really happened? That's probably why i have such a mania for taking photos, although it's really cooled down recently. Even though i've got a new camera for Christmas, so far I've barely used it.
We saw an amazing film at the cinema. Actually, I'm not sure if it was amazing or not. But it did have an anthropomorphic cat in, which is ALWAYS a bonus. (The Future)
I was somewhat on edge after a bizarre night the night before, and my heart kept going really fast, particulaly when emotive music invaded the auditorium, I felt like it was invading me, but i managed to keep a grip on all this. Added to this, I was hobbling around as the previous night I had raced down a dark garden path and gone flying, landing with my foot on one side in ankle-breaking fashion. (It is not broken but is still swelled up today).
And so I broke up with my boyfriend too. I question whether i was ever really in love with him (I don't think I was).
This is not entirely due to me being cold-hearted, it's also the fact that he seems a person already very fixed in his ideas and opinions, and closed off in a certain way. (Although he would probably deny that)
In the summer, we fooled around and it was all idle conversation, cups of tea and walks in the sunshine, all karaoke and mischievous fur-coat-and-nothing-underneath nightime woodland wanders.
Then the separation, which made us emotionally drift apart, although he insisted on continuing to tell me he loved me, in a way which i frankly didn't believe, or couldn't believe.
The silence between us now (despite the fact that we're supposed to still be amicable) suggests to me that his love for me didn't run too deep after all, or was made of very dissolvable stuff.
I think he wanted someone who would truly care about him and love him. I feel sorry that i didn't end up being that person. Maybe for a bit he thought that in me he had found that thing that we're all searching for, poor romantic soul that he is/was (I have a habit of destroying people's belief in the true-love myth.)
Maybe for a time I believed it too. I fooled myself. All this talk of buying a little houseboat together and living in canal-bound matrimonial idyll. Him being a musician, me being a teacher, life rolling on joyfully, mutual friends, all seemed very unlikely to me. (Except the part with me being a teacher)
He has all these wild delusions, and although conversation always rolled along nicely, we really are/were never on the same wavelength. I'm a down to earth realist (honest) and he seems to me completely deluded. For a bit I shared in his delusions, but the separation only pushed us further apart and made the void between us more of a crevasse.
At the moment, he is bent on chasing his musical dreams, and spent New Year and a few days after in London, hanging around with "all these rock star types" who he really venerates, claiming that famous people, or "people obviously on the cusp of becoming famous" (isn't that how all these creative types want to be seen in London?) have something special about them, that differentiates them from normal people. He says he felt happy that they seemed to accept him as one of them. Everything he says these days seem to be, if not gloating, heavy with a swollen self esteem. He seems convinced that success will be his. I surely hope that it will be, cos otherwise he's going to have a heavy fall.
His mother, at least, will always be his number one fan, and in their typical saccharine "love you!!!" manner, she has filled her facebook profile with links to his songs, and pass-the-bucket "so proud of my darling" comments (that is whenever she isn't heaping self-congratulations on herself in promoting her e-book and gloating about sales figures.)
Is this getting a bit bitchy? I should probably stop.
I haven't really finished but i'm tired. Time to sleep. I shall update you more soon, and hopefully bring you up to date.
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