feelings tbc

Oh this toothache really won't leave me alone! I haven't been to the dentists for years, and think I am probably no longer registered with them anyway. Perhaps it is mischievous wisdom teeth come to torture me? I just want to ramble at you about my twisted thoughts through a pain-infested haze.
My landlady noticed that i seemed unhappy, and grabbed me when i slinked out of my room like a shy cat earlier, to ask me if I was ok, since i had appeared to have "l'air triste"
I was pleased that she noticed, although as soon as i could i sneaked back into my room, and felt suddenly provoked to tears. I guess I just miss my mum (lol). When one is feeling low, one shies from company and then moans about feeling lonely and isolated from others. But to make oneself attractive and acceptable to others and the world-at-large, one must be bright and cheerful, full of ideas and life. When I am feeling low, i feel incapable of putting on a happy face, and don't want to burden anyone else with my malaise. I feel they would find me hateful if they saw it, so best to keep the disgusting face of depression away from the world.
Also- it's hideous to moan about it, even here it's quite shameful, since there are some people who have real problems.
I'm feeling OK now, except for the teeth. Am sat in the dark in my room, have lit six candles. (just cos that was the number of available candle-recepticles that i could find, not for any particular significant witchy reason) Outside I can hear a wind raging, and earlier there was rain battering the roof. But i'm inside, away from the world. Cocooning myself from harm, like a cat by the fireside. Or rather, like a grumpy child kept from playtime by the weather, it's sulky chocolate-smeared face pressed against the rain-spattered window. In any case, I feel too tired to go out. If i was totally desperate for some air and society, there is the local bar full of outrageous horrible drunks, but the thought of it now makes me curl in on myself, like a snail that contracts and shrinks back when you touch it.
Last night and the one before, I had long long online video conversations with my boyfriend. Conversations which go nowhere and leave you feeling far more dissatisfied and blue than when you embarked on them. It's not his fault, moreover it's mine. (talk of the devil, he just texted me to tell me he has read my letters, and that they "somehow made him love me slightly more". He had them for two full days, without taking the time to read them, but then he has been working non-stop the past couple days)
I wonder what he would think if he scrolled through my ever-growing blog? Would he feel offended that I am putting my feelings up here for whomever stumbles across them? Would he be upset that i chose to keep this aspect of my life private from him, while brandishing it aloft for all the world to see. My mother would call this sort of behaviour "washing one's dirty laundry in public", and would probably advise against it. I think I have decided not to show him this, because I want to write freely, and perhaps, despite my best efforts, i can not bring myself to be my true self with him.
Perhaps it comes from an uncertainty over who i actually am, what is my real identity? or perhaps it comes from a fear of exposing myself to other people. For example, i shy from revealing my opinions to people, save for a small bunch of people who are my friends. It makes my heart quicken to have to choose a song to put on at a party, even something as small as that, for the excitement and fear of revealing my intimite inside feelings to the outside world. Or maybe my taste in music is just that embarrassing.... lol.
 Perhaps i should give you a song in every blog? I don't think I'm so abnormal really- just when i compare myself to some of my stridently confident, loud and eloquent peers, who like nothing better than to verbally strangle those around them......