Despite self-indulgent blog receiving no hits for the entirity of the past month, I shall still continue to right, if only for my own personal records.
Winter is approaching, it is now a month that i have been in France, a month since I have seen my sweet mother, who loves me more than anyone. Although, she makes her presence known by putting credit on my phone, and occasionally texting me to ask how things are going. She has send me a package containing socks (Which I forgot to pack... I mean, when planning what cute teachery outfits one is going to wear, one doesn't immediately think to bring socks.) She send me my pink jangly coin belt. I didn't got to bellydance class today, because I was suffering from a deep wearing fatigue, which is draining my desire to do anything, other than stare wistfully at the computer screen, scrolling up and down facebook and hoping vainly that my fiance will come online. And then when he does, inwardly bemoaning that I have nothing to discuss with him.
Today, the weather was colder than has been usual here. I woke up and it was drizzling, the sky was heavy with rain clouds, and the weather demanded a coat. I went into town, only to find the bank and phone shop closed for the ridiculously long lunch break which people take in France.
Next, it was time for my three hour workday in the technical college, with a bunch of unenthusiastic, sulky teenagers. There was one chirpy girl who asked for my help and seemed quite eager to learn, so that made the day go a little faster.
Then- a Breton language class, conducted entirely in that language. Never mind the fact that I have never learned a single word of Breton. I'm really not convinced that total immediate immersion is the best way to learn. A little bit of explanation in French might have helped. I can't remember a single thing from the class. I'm undecided whether i will pay the ninety euro subscription fee for a year of sitting in a dazzling lit room understanding nothing and getting shyer and shyer and more and more underconfident. The class was really terrible. I felt very stupid and wanted to crawl and hide under the desk.
Then, I came home and tried to translate this damn book about sailing to the Pitcairn islands. It's not very well written to be honest. There are characters who are mentioned briefly, and then no further detail is given. It seems to skip from one location to the next in a matter of sentences. Some of the language totally confuses me, and i'm beginning to doubt whether I will ever be able to fulfil my task as a translator. It's frustrating.
It might seem like i'm in a self doubting and down mood. I should be joyous really, because as you might notice the word boyfriend has passed into the word fiance. This came about through an online skype discussion in which he said that he wanted our relationship to appear on our facebook profiles and thus be known to the online community and our many hundreds of online aquaintences (most of whom we never see). i've always been skeptical about the idea. What makes our love work is that fact that it belongs to us alone. It's something that is between us and is untouchable to anyone outside the special connection that we share. It simply doesn't concern the outside world. That's probably why I got so furious when anyone from the outside world attempts to intervene, as though it is their business- noteably his mother and mine. I don't like the idea that getting married to someone means you're marrying their family.
I don't like the idea of having to say "i do" to all these periphary people who may be important to him, but who rile me up the wrong way or simply give me a sense of emptiness and non-existance when i'm in their presence. Can love not be between two people. I'll try to get on with other people as best I can, but it's the sense of obligation I dislike.
So- i agreed, we could publish our love online, like a blog post. Is that not what i'm doing now? However, the term "en couple" or "in a relationship" displeased me. I am not a couple. That is not my identity being one of two. So i suggested we put engaged or "fiance" instead. Which is what we did.
Does that mean that we're really engaged? I certainly shaln't announce it to my narrow minded disapproving family. I don't have a ring, and I'm not going to get married, until we've spent more time together and i've verified that we actually do get on well together and understand one another with a clear beauty. I don't think we will get married for another few years at least. I have two years left at university, he just has this one. I think we need to work on getting a certain amount of stability into our lives. At the moment, being a teacher appeals to me. What I like is that, in the process of preparing classes, to engage and enlighten young minds, you learn things yourself- new facts, new methods of teaching, and about human nature and individuals themselves.
Do let me know what you think in the comments. I shall update you soon on the dull details of my existance.
Right now it all seems cloudy-grey. I long for Emily and excitement. Drink and dance and the celebration of living.
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