A funfair in France

At the weekend i went to Vannes with a girl who i met when i was at university. We'd never been friends in the past, and restricted our contact to pleasantries and minimal conversation- largely cos i thought she wasn't interested in being my friend. It seems she's a very nice and interesting girl. She's not afraid to gossip and let me be her confidante, even if it's only moaning about a bizarre german housemate of hers.
We chatted and ate crepes while sat outside a cafe in the city centre of this medium sized french town. Some children were rattling up and down repeatedly on their micro scooters, which reminded me somewhat of my own joyful childhood. My friend found them irritating. I was enjoying the sunshine, it was quite fresh, being October, but we took our coats off and sipped ice tea (me) and cider (her) and pretended that it was summer.
The fun fair was found at the far end of the port. so we had to walk along the water for about half an hour before we got to it. It was a cacophany of sights sounds and smells. Voices calling people to come and ride the dodgems, a man with a candy floss maker wrapping reams of the floaty pink sugary stuff into balls for excited sweet toothed children and adults. Shooting games, hook a duck, penny arcades, claw machines, and giant clear plastic balls floating on water in a large paddling pool which one could crawl inside and roll around like a drunken hamster. The fun fair had everything.
First, we went on a roller coaster type ride. The cart we sat it could also rotate as it zoomed around the track at top speed. We both enjoyed it, and the fear was minimal but enough to get one's blood circulating. Next, after watching it function from a distance we decided to brave a ride which had a pivot in the middle and was essentially a stick to which seats were attatched to the far ends. One was brought high into the air and could see the whole funfair down below in miniature, as well as the port and all the tiny little boats. Such a sense of freedom and infinity looking town on the crystal clear toytown world. Then down, fast, then up again. Washing machine rotations, until one didn't know where the sky was and where the ground was. Are we humans that walk the earth, or are we birds shooting through the air? Not that that was what went through my mind as i screamed voluminously with my mouth in a shape of fear.

a censored private letter to my best friend (what i've been up to)

Hey! Thanks for your email! Is good to hear from you.


 I wrote you a letter and posted it yesterday, so you should get it in a few days. I can't remember what I wrote, but i was on a mission to try and cheer you up, so sorry if it's patronising! 

Yeah, finally got some credit on my phone yesterday,  so thought i'd give you a ring. I'm really trying to waste less time on facebook. Well this is day one without it. I just don't understand why it's so addictive. Giving up cigarettes was much easier, don't even really think about them unless i see other people  smoking. I guess i'm just a massive attention whore. Although a lot of the time of fb is spent looking at what people hundreds of miles away, who don't care about  me are doing, it's bizarre.

So i was in the college from 8am  to 11am today. I actuallly enjoy getting up early and having something to do, although you have to get up when it's still dark! The walk to the college takes about fifteen twenty mins, and you have to cross over a railway line, which is always scary. There  are red and white stripy barriers that go down whenever a train is coming, but it's still weird, and i always imagine a train coming along and wonder what would happen.

With one group of students i did a little quiz about england that they filled in. They were quite unenthousiastic and i wasn't sure if they understood what i was saying or not, cos i decided not to speak french. They know fuck all about england! They still think the prime minister is Tony Blair. Although i guess we only know about Sarkozy cos he's such a weird little caricature of a person. (that's france's president, just incase you didn't know ;)

With the next group, i decided, fuck it, i've got to speak french otherwise it's excrutiating and i'm talking to myself. So i started off the class by making them play " i went to the supermarket and i bought...." they well loved that! i thought it would be patronising but it was ok. In the end it was me and this tough looking french chav boy battling it out (cos when you made a mistake listing the things you were out of the game) We decided to draw cos everyone was getting bored.

Here's what they came up with lol. You're probably not interested, but i'm curious to see if i can remember....

I went to the supermarket and bought an apple, a blackberry, a computer, a desk, an elephant, a frog, a gun, a history book, an ipod, juice, a kitcat, a limo, malteasers, n?, orange

fuck! forgot what n was.

Anyway: How's everything going? I rang my mum up and she said my brother's being a minge. Obviously she didn't use those words- that would have been funny. She said he's been slamming doors and stuff really late and waking everyone up, and when she complains saying "well you want me to live here". He's such a douchebag and a mega slob. When he did have his own student halls, he let like months-old takeaway packets fester away in the corner, with green chips getting furry in them. So gross! (He's pissed off cos they wouldn't sign the guarantor thing he needs to get a house)

(name of my boyfriend) has been hanging out with his ex-girlfriend (name) . I'm not sure how i feel now they're friends again. I think i prefered it when she was a legend of the past. I told him that the reason i felt unhappy about it was because, they have so much history and memories together and although he can argue "well all that belongs to the past" it's not really the past if they're still hanging out and being close with each other. Anyway, i later apologised for being jealous and silly, which i think i was a bit. After all, i do occasionally see (name of my ex) . But he's really not a great friend, and i don't feel that i need to be a massive part of his life. I don't know why he still feels the need to have her as a prominent thing in his life.

What do you think?

How's everything going? You seen anyone i know?

Still not got your letter, but there is no hurry. Miss you! Take care,

muchos love

Susie

My facebook engagement and winter blues

Despite self-indulgent blog receiving no hits for the entirity of the past month, I shall still continue to right, if only for my own personal records.
Winter is approaching, it is now a month that i have been in France, a month since I have seen my sweet mother, who loves me more than anyone. Although, she makes her presence known by putting credit on my phone, and occasionally texting me to ask how things are going. She has send me a package containing socks (Which I forgot to pack... I mean, when planning what cute teachery outfits one is going to wear, one doesn't immediately think to bring socks.) She send me my pink jangly coin belt. I didn't got to bellydance class today, because I was suffering from a deep wearing fatigue, which is draining my desire to do anything, other than stare wistfully at the computer screen, scrolling up and down facebook and hoping vainly that my fiance will come online. And then when he does, inwardly bemoaning that I have nothing to discuss with him.
Today, the weather was colder than has been usual here. I woke up and it was drizzling, the sky was heavy with rain clouds, and the weather demanded a coat. I went into town, only to find the bank and phone shop closed for the ridiculously long lunch break which people take in France.
Next, it was time for my three hour workday in the technical college, with a bunch of unenthusiastic, sulky teenagers. There was one chirpy girl who asked for my help and seemed quite eager to learn, so that made the day go a little faster.
Then- a Breton language class, conducted entirely in that language. Never mind the fact that I have never learned a single word of Breton. I'm really not convinced that total immediate immersion is the best way to learn. A little bit of explanation in French might have helped. I can't remember a single thing from the class. I'm undecided whether i will pay the ninety euro subscription fee for a year of sitting in a dazzling lit room understanding nothing and getting shyer and shyer and more and more underconfident. The class was really terrible. I felt very stupid and wanted to crawl and hide under the desk.
Then, I came home and tried to translate this damn book about sailing to the Pitcairn islands. It's not very well written to be honest. There are characters who are mentioned briefly, and then no further detail is given. It seems to skip from one location to the next in a matter of sentences. Some of the language totally confuses me, and i'm beginning to doubt whether I will ever be able to fulfil my task as a translator. It's frustrating.
It might seem like i'm in a self doubting and down mood. I should be joyous really, because as you might notice the word boyfriend has passed into the word fiance. This came about through an online skype discussion in which he said that he wanted our relationship to appear on our facebook profiles and thus be known to the online community and our many hundreds of online aquaintences (most of whom we never see). i've always been skeptical about the idea. What makes our love work is that fact that it belongs to us alone. It's something that is between us and is untouchable to anyone outside the special connection that we share. It simply doesn't concern the outside world. That's probably why I got so furious when anyone from the outside world attempts to intervene, as though it is their business- noteably his mother and mine. I don't like the idea that getting married to someone means you're marrying their family.
I don't like the idea of having to say "i do" to all these periphary people who may be important to him, but who rile me up the wrong way or simply give me a sense of emptiness and non-existance when i'm in their presence. Can love not be between two people. I'll try to get on with other people as best I can, but it's the sense of obligation I dislike.
So- i agreed, we could publish our love online, like a blog post. Is that not what i'm doing now? However, the term "en couple" or "in a relationship" displeased me. I am not a couple. That is not my identity being one of two. So i suggested we put engaged or "fiance" instead. Which is what we did.
Does that mean that we're really engaged? I certainly shaln't announce it to my narrow minded disapproving family. I don't have a ring, and I'm not going to get married, until we've spent more time together and i've verified that we actually do get on well together and understand one another with a clear beauty. I don't think we will get married for another few years at least. I have two years left at university, he just has this one. I think we need to work on getting a certain amount of stability into our lives. At the moment, being a teacher appeals to me. What I like is that, in the process of preparing classes, to engage and enlighten young minds, you learn things yourself- new facts, new methods of teaching, and about human nature and individuals themselves.
Do let me know what you think in the comments. I shall update you soon on the dull details of my existance.
Right now it all seems cloudy-grey. I long for Emily and excitement. Drink and dance and the celebration of living.

further encounters

Things i've been up to lately: There was a night where i went on a ramble with the vague aim of finding the bearded sailor for whom i've promised to translate a book, but have not really yet made a start. I got waylayed however by a man outside a cafe when i asked him for a lighter. There are these cafe-bars which are open to the street and often have a sports game playing on a screen and a bunch of men lazily sipping beer or coffee and watching the world roll by uneventfully. Very much local places, where as a young, outside female i feel a little intimidated to enter. This man was quite friendly however, bought me a coke, and told me to hang around cos a friend of his who is an english teacher was going to pop along in a bit. Said friend materialised, to my surprise a woman, clutching a cat-carrier with mewing creature inside. I was quite delighted by this, but she seemed in a hurry to go and shoved the cat in the boot of her car and drove off.
The man was called Christophe. He assured me that he knew everyone in the town, and that if i ever had any problems i should come to him. He was about fourty maybe older, with a beer belly, wavy long black hair, an earring in one ear, and sensitive eyes which changed expression with almost frightening rapidity- one minute expressing a certain longing nostalia and sadness, the next fierce interest and illumination. He offered to buy me dinner, so i agreed, it would be a good opportunity to broaden my knowledge of the town, to get to know another place.
We went to a vietnamese restaurant. He knew the small oriental propieteress by name and was very familiar with her, while she was still somewhat reserved with him. He told me that half the year he works on ferries, and is away from home a lot. When he comes back to his empty flat it is often past ten o clock, and he's not in a mood to cook. The vietnamese restaurant is just around the corner and is the only place which stays open late and so this is where he eats on a regular basis. He told me he has his particular table- next to the fish-tank, and that i had taken his customary chair. "Six years i've been coming here. Always sitting in that chair. This is the first time i have company. It's nice" His eyes became soppy and i feared he might cry. He seemed to have a deep weariness, which he said was brought on by non-stop work. Now it was his hibernation period, his six months without travail. When i asked him what he planned to do with his endless spare time, he replied: sleep, i'm incredibly tired.